41: I am with you!

2020 didn’t begin with any significant hopes or expectations for me. I was turning fifty, and it would have been my 25th wedding anniversary, but how could I celebrate it without my Jithu. In 2019 I lost my dearest husband, Jithu, whom I loved so much with all my heart, unexpectedly… this had taken a serious toll on me. Losing the love of my life had been the biggest obstacle I had to face. He was someone who cared for his family dearly, someone who loved me unconditionally with all my flaws. I cannot compare the love I have for him to any other feeling I have felt. I tried to escape this dark hole of pain by trying to get into something that could distract me as I fell into depression.

I was going to the doctors, taking medicines. This routine kept me in a vegetative state, and I was going insane until one of Jithu’s friend suggested that I get a job and helped me find one. In an instant, I went from a housewife to a professional person. This new journey came with its own challenges: learning everything from scratch, from finance to accounts to quotations, but I overcame these challenges, and boy, they were hard! But I’m so proud that I did it! And I know my darling Jithu would have been proud of me too!

Just as I was beginning to find myself, the pandemic came, compounding my already fragile state. My only daughter was 7000 miles away from me at university. The responsibility of taking care of my ageing parents who live across me was squarely on my shoulders as my siblings could not travel. I was grateful and happy to be there for them: procure their medicines, organise groceries and take care of everything else, but I also felt drained. Most days, I would feel like I was carrying the weight of the world ALONE. I often shed tears out of frustration and anger because I knew if my Jithu were here, he would handle all these situations with such ease. However, I now see the pressure he must have been through and dealt with through all these years. His strength was impeccable, and if he were around, he would have dipped me in Dettol, 🙂 to keep me safe from this pandemic. He had this magical ability to make me feel that everything is okay all the time.

I’ve learnt that from him. I’m stronger today than I have ever been. I comfort my parents and give them the confidence that they have nothing to worry about because I am with them. I have also started cooking again, which I had stopped. Cooking has always been my passion. People have admired my food, which motivated me to create new dishes and expand my skills as a chef! Seeing the smile I put on people’s faces when they taste my food gives me so much joy. I only wish my number one fan, Jithu, was here to taste these new dishes. He is the one person I could and would cook for unconditionally, with no complaints from him since it was all made with love.

I miss my darling Jithu every moment, every day, but I also remember his words; There is nothing to worry about; I am with you. These were the same words repeatedly told by Jithu all these years that keeps me going!!