I’ve spent my whole life waiting for the chaos in my life to settle. I never imagined the year of the pandemic would be the one to restore calm.
I am the only daughter of four children, but my life didn’t reflect a princess. It wasn’t easy growing up in a large family with limited resources in a small town in India. I dreamed about becoming a teacher, but that was not to be. I failed year eight twice and was embarrassed to continue with the younger children in my class. At 14, I dropped out of school and started working. Ironically, I worked at the school I was studying. Even though I had the opportunity to learn, I chose not to, which has been my biggest regret.
I learned to sew, took care of our family and home as the daughter and did a few odd jobs until I was married at 24. I met my future husband once; my parents chose him for me. I romanticized the family I would build and was confident it would be different from the one I grew up in. But it wasn’t a happy marriage. I spent most of my married life living with my parents because of conflict with my husband’s family. My son was born three years later, and I remember vividly the first time I saw his face. He was cute as a button, and love filled my heart. Twenty days after my son was born, my husband left for a job in Kuwait. I was excited about our improved prospects, the possibility that I could now live in our own home and build the life I’ve always wanted. However, fate had something else in store. My husband passed away in an accident in Kuwait. At 29, I was a widow with a young child, no education or a job. Those days are a blur. I don’t remember much, but what stands out is my father’s support. He was always there for me!
A year later, I met and fell in love with a man willing to accept my child and me. My life was filled with hope again. We were married. The first few months were blissful, but slowly things began to change. My husband started drinking excessively and then became abusive towards my son and me. He was unpredictable, and we lived in fear all the time. I endured for ten years as I thought I didn’t have a choice. Looking back, the signs were there before I married him, but I chose to ignore them. I was naive and desperate to escape my reality. Today I know running away is not an option as I ran from one nightmare and sprinted into another.
Over the years, I tried to leave; I moved cities, states, and somehow he would find me and beg us to return. Finally, in 2010 I had an opportunity to move to the UAE for work. I didn’t tell my husband. I left my sixteen-year-old son with my family in India and came to the UAE. My husband decided to leave too. One morning, I woke up to a call that I expected but didn’t expect. I knew my husband was on a self-destructive path, but I did not expect that end would come by suicide. I was in my forties and widowed again. Guilt consumed me. Would it have been different if I was there? It’s hard to explain, I didn’t want to be with him, yet I wanted him to be around. I hoped he would find his way and build a life of his own.
Moving to the UAE to make a better life for my son and me seemed like the right thing to do at the time. But If I’d known what was to come next, I’d perhaps choose differently. I left my son on his own at an impressionable age. Over the next few years, he made choices that anguished me. He was making some of the same mistakes as me. All I could do was pray that he finds his path sooner than I did.
Towards the end of 2019, I decided to bring my son to the UAE to be with me and hopefully find a job. Nothing came his way, he was keen to go back to his life in India, but I was determined not to send him back. 2020 rolled around, and with it, the pandemic. Going back was not an option anymore, and the forced stay opened my son’s heart. He began to see the possibility of life in a new place, in a new country, which changed things for him. He found a job and met a wonderful girl, and they will marry at the end of 2021. I know he’s found his path, and it’s time to let go. I’m nervously excited about our futures.
I still have many dreams to fulfil. One of them is to own a home where I can farm and live off the land. At 56, it finally feels like the chaos in my life is settling, and I can feel the calm after the storm.
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