Tenth grade was a rollercoaster for me- for everything I did right, I did even more things wrong, and I’d reached a point where I felt like I was sleeping on time bought from my studies and schoolwork. All I kept telling myself was that when I reached eleventh grade, I would be better, and feel better, and do better.
Which was when the pandemic hit. Everything I’d known about my life has been turned upside down; I felt like adapting to the new normal was impossible because the shreds of optimism I’d felt were dependent on my being able to live a better life- I thought there was no way I’d be able to achieve it when I couldn’t even leave the house.
Dropping grades, gaining weight, and being physically unable to do anything about it suffocated me from the inside out. Everything I’d ever been complimented for in tenth- winning competitions internationally, looking good, achieving academic awards- had been taken away from me. I’d never felt worse.
Recovery isn’t a happy process for everyone. It was slow, painful, and took things I treasured away from me in the process- but it was necessary. Realizing that I’d never be the version of myself I was in tenth forced me to accept the version of myself that emerged from the pandemic. And I like myself better this way- even if I’m not as fit, active, or openly successful as I was before the pandemic, I’m never going to be as mentally fractured or as emotionally unstable as I was either, and I know that my successes will come along with that stability.
Recovering emotionally isn’t always a win- sometimes it’s just not slipping even further down the slope than you already have. Sometimes it’s just waking up and knowing that you’re not more tired than you were yesterday, and with time you’ll be less tired than you were before. You owe yourself the chance to heal, grow, and accept yourself with the good and bad.
Anushree Anand – Reposted from youthof2020stories on Instagram, a humansof2020 initiative
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