“Men Aren’t Attracted to Broken Women”, I recall hearing this close to the time it happened. I heard it again when he touched me for the first time but only it was much quieter; in my head. I wondered how I was ever going to put myself back together; explain to the boy I loved what had happened, what my brother did to me, how I could not have stopped it if I tired. I could not have stopped it if I tried.
I have trouble accepting that on some days, days where I feel like I’m carrying my trauma in my bones; bones that don’t even feel like they belong to me. When it didn’t stop for months, I developed a new part of myself, trying to be anyone but the girl who was being abused. The day he decided to touch me when I was asleep he took a part of me; so my body made room for a version of myself that was the opposite of who I am.
I wanted to be the girl that could never have enough shots at the bar, the girl who wanted to be desired for my body to feel like it belonged to me again, I became the girl who built a shell soo thick that no amount of alcohol or cigarettes or weed could seep through. And then I ran away.
Often times I tell myself that nobody wants to hear me cry about the anger that flows through my blood, the rage he put into my body that I know I will carry with me for a lifetime. I will carry this with me for a lifetime. No matter how many people choose not to believe me, I cannot escape the weight in my chest from carrying this. A weak man who takes away the dignity of his sisters, wives and daughters is only as strong as those who enable him but through this trauma, I have come to realize one very important thing.
A woman, who carries the pain of abuse, carries within her a fight as strong as the generations of broken women that came before her. The day he decided to touch me when I was asleep he took a part of me; so my body made room for a version of myself that has the strength of 100 broken women. Men may not be attracted to the women they break but my recovery is built on these broken women, generations are built on the backs of these broken women.
Anonymous – Reposted from youthof2020stories on Instagram, a humansof2020 initiative
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