Trigger Warning: Suicide/Self-harm/Eating disorder/Sexual abuse
Throughout my childhood I’ve been endlessly body shamed especially because I started binge eating since I was 4-5 to cope with my emotions, and it later developed into body dysmorphia that I still have to this day.
I was beaten in unspeakable ways. The people who I thought were supposed to love me unconditionally, gave me the most painful experiences I’ve ever had to endure. I’ve been told repeatedly that I am a burden and they can’t wait for me to kill myself. The first time I held a blade to my wrist was when I was 11, the first time I expressed wanting to end my life was when I was 13. At 15 puberty made me gain more weight and I had a lot of acne too and the comments about my body migrated from home to school as well.
My confidence in myself was basically non-existent during this time, sometimes when I looked in the mirror I would breakdown because my own reflection would upset me so much, I truly felt horrifyingly ugly. I wanted to go on diets like veganism because I really do feel guilty consuming animal products, but my family banned me from doing so because they noticed I was trying to cut out more and more food. By late 16-17 I’ve somehow managed to significantly shrink my appetite in contrast to the iron stomach I had in my childhood. I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I was doing cardio almost every day, I was counting calories all the time and eating food that isn’t ‘safe’ gave me so much anxiety.
My closest friends noticed that my behavior was odd but everyone in general praised me and my disordered habits. No matter how much weight I lost, it was never enough. At 18 covid came, classes were now online. I was stuck in an abusive household and my college did not care or take what I was going through seriously. I was doing so well in the first semester but now that I had no escape from this household all of my grades plummeted.
On top of all of this happening, I was raped twice by two old men in early 2020, and I escaped another attempt by a man closer to my age. I relapsed back into self harm after not doing it for years, and I was extremely suicidal. I hated alcohol but I turned to it for help and drank more than I ever have before, for I had no one at the time.
I still struggle with all of this currently. That is fine, but I’ve grown and learned from all of these awful experiences. It taught me overall to be more compassionate and non-judgemental. For the longest time I thought I would be dead by the age of 19 but I’m turning 20 soon. I actually look forward to the future now, which I haven’t even seen a future for myself previously. I’m proud of myself.
Farzana – Reposted from youthof2020stories on Instagram, a humansof2020 initiative
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