‘’You will fly away with the wind’’- I can’t even recall the number of times I’ve been subjected to this statement. My lean frame was often a subject of interest for all except me. Everyone around me felt entitled to comment on how ‘weak’ or ‘skeletal’ I looked. I would sometimes receive unsolicited remarks even from strangers who felt the need to advice my mother on feeding me right. How was I supposed to explain that I ate square meals every day and wasn’t starving myself like they had assumed?
As a primary school going naïve child, I was oblivious to the brutality of these supposed casual comments. I would sheepishly smile while hiding behind my mother’s shawl. Those who felt obliged to comment on a 4-year old’s body would never realize the wounds they cut in her tender heart. When the severity of the comments struck me, I felt absolutely helpless. I would push myself to eat more despite being satiated.
But of course, there was no point in putting myself through this torment as my weight remained the same. Harsh words were flung callously at me, bruising the little self-confidence I possessed. There wasn’t a single method that I didn’t attempt to increase my weight. I would even lift dumbbells when I was 12 thinking it would make me sturdy like the wrestlers I admired after watching Dangal. Other than throbbing arms which made it difficult for me to write notes in class, this weightlifting experiment bore no outcome.
Each passing day just made it hard for me to accept and love my body as it is. My drenched pillows at night were testimony to the tears I streamed yearning for acceptance. I would hold God culpable for making me look this way and rant when I had to pray.
After nine years of being trapped in this cyclone of despair, I finally decided to liberate myself to the path of self-love. I had chanced upon this term several times but never grasped how beautiful the concept is. It dawned on me that all these years I had let others’ perception of my image conquer my mind and shatter my self-esteem. While being judged by everyone, I was also judging and upbraiding myself for my appearance. I had tangled myself in this knot of anguish with the help of those around me.
I untwined myself and emerged as a confident girl blossoming into a young woman. I no longer let any arrows of judgement prick this ripening self-esteem. Standing up for those who are picked on for the same reason makes me feel victorious as I manage to make them feel better. I may have had no one to lend a shoulder when I cried but it makes me glad to lend mine. My two cents for those who battle with insecurities is to embrace yourselves the way you are and nothing will ever stop you from accomplish anything you desire.
Sreya Rajesh – Reposted from youthof2020stories on Instagram, a humansof2020 initiative
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